I'm trying to find the picture I've been seeing circulate facebook, but google is letting me down. Suffice it to say it seems like a lot of non-parents are really adamant about us parents beating our children. And they're convinced it is the only way to raise a well-behaved child who will listen unwaveringly and resist "acting out" or causing disturbances in public.
I'm not gonna cite a bunch of sources, evidence, and studies that have all proved how ineffective & emotionally damaging physical discipline is to children. But I would suggest all the people with strong opinions on the subject stop solely using the fact that they themselves were spanked as a child as their only evidence that spanking is the sole tried & true method of parenting. Just because you "survived" being spanked and you may not be in jail are not solely indicative of anything at all. These studies exist & prove facts for a reason (like sparing a child from unnecessary hurt), regardless of how well-adjusted you believe you are.
What I will tell you is how successful we've been so far finding other methods to parent our 3.5 year old daughter Stella, who has never hurt, or even tried to hurt another child. Not even when she was a small toddler did she ever bite, kick, push, or use any other physical means of getting a point across, not to a child & not to an adult. I have taken her to a multitude of places, both formal & informal, and not once have I ever needed to resort to physical discipline. She is an incredible listener, a people-pleaser, a very social but cautious child who has always seemed to "get it." I'm not by any means suggesting that she's perfect, because she's certainly not. She has her moods like any other child & she gets upset, tired, sad & "aggravated," (a word she enjoys using to express her emotions) like anyone else. I'm not saying we don't discipline her and I'm also not saying parents who use physical discipline are "bad" parents & nor are their children. I'm not suggesting I'm a perfect, best, or better parent than anyone else for my choices, I just know what's right for myself & for my family.
And what's right for our family is any healthy alternative to physical discipline that we can find. It's not the easiest way to raise a child, but I didn't sign up for this so I could cut all the corners I could for my own convenience just because I wanted a kid but didn't want to put the time in to raise her to be the healthiest & happiest she could be. And I'm sorry, but her "surviving" isn't my standard in raising her. I'm not necessarily aiming for her to be the smartest or most beautiful or best, but I would like her to be as healthy & happy as I can possibly provide while I'm able. I'm posting this not for our own benefit but for anyone else who might be reconsidering their methods of discipline, because I admittedly felt very differently while I was pregnant than I do now. I honestly believed I would spank Stella once she was old enough if I felt it necessary, and my only reasoning was because I was also smacked as a child when my mom lost control of a situation and wanted me to fall in line.
What is most important to us as parents are the preemptive steps we take before any disciplinary action is needed to correct a behavior. I give Stella a lot of positive reinforcement whenever I notice a positive behavior or good deed; I especially make a big deal out of behaviors that were spontaneous that she demonstrated without needing us to direct her. When she picks up toys without being asked, brings her plate to the sink, turns off a light in a room, anything that I would usually need to prompt her to do I congratulate and genuinely thank her for doing on her own. Whenever I need her to be especially quiet or well-behaved (while I'm on an important call, when I bring her to an important errand to run in a quiet, formal place, etc.), I always give her the heads up before it happens so she knows what is expected of her. After it takes place I thank her genuinely and find a way to reward important times like that when she came through for me and made that instance easier to handle. I feel like taking these small conscious steps curbs a lot of problem behaviors that I would later need to discipline her for, and instead the instance is turned into something positive & fun for us both (like getting an extra 10 minutes at the park, or going somewhere special), rather than a punishment for her and a headache for me.
One thing I don't use as rewards is food, and that's a pretty conscious decision. I attribute a large portion of Stella's disposition to her diet which is extremely low in sugar, and as all-natural as we can possibly get it while living in the US where fast, cheap & convenient is the standard. I don't believe things like McDonalds are "treats" or "rewards" for 2 reasons: The obvious being that McDonalds isn't even food and while I do believe in moderation, I don't believe garbage should ever be introduced into any child's understanding of things that are OK sometimes or often, when it should, in my opinion, be never. Second, a child's relationship with food is developed earlier than what most people recognize and it begins with how parents treat the "never, sometimes or often" standard. By using sweet things like candy, chocolate, etc. as rewards for good behavior, I'm afraid of what pattern that might set her up for later on in life. I'd rather give her motivating rewards that can have a healthier impact on her rather than motivate her with things that have no value. That isn't to say she's never had a cookie or a piece of candy because she has, and enjoys them just as much as any other kid (or maybe more since it's a "sometimes" food for us.) But because she eats things like that so rarely, I have a better chance of relating certain behaviors/activity levels after she eats certain things, and I have 110% noticed that, as with a lot of other things in her life, she's extremely sensitive to them. Her mood is immediately & noticeably different, and her hyperactivity level skyrockets after eating something like sugary ice cream, chocolate in candy, etc.
After I explain any or all of this to people, they immediately assume I shove cold, raw asparagus down my kid's throat all day. We don't eat bland, boring food and I assure you I'm not torturing my child with cold, flavorless spears of asparagus. She's a lover of all fruits and (most) veggies, her favorite fast food joint is saladworks (probably because it's the only one she knows, but still!), and she makes a lot of good choices on her own already. I'm not trying to deliberately deprive her of anything enjoyable, I just don't think it would be fair to her if I knowingly fed her things that affected her activity level & decision making, then punished her for it. See the unfairness? If a child who eats a large amount of foods that are processed, high in sugar or made with artificial ingredients and colors, and they also exhibit a high activity level & poor decision making, I would love to see how big of a difference could be noticed if the parent simply cut that stuff out of the child's diet.
Another thing I've noticed affect Stella's behavior & activity level is watching TV. While she was a small toddler I would put on PBS in the morning while I made her breakfast (and reminisced of watching The Flintstones while my mom did the same for me before school as a kid). I never wanted Stella to watch a program with commercials, so channels like Nickelodeon were never on but I really thought that if what she was watching was something educational then no harm could really come of it. That was until I noticed Stella having a really hard time whenever I tried shutting off the TV after one or two shows. Even after I would distract her with books or another activity I would notice that her attention level was affected directly in proportion to how long she had been watching TV for previously. Once I noticed that the trend continued and seemed to be getting more & more difficult to shut the TV off and get her back to focusing on something else, I decided it wasn't in her best interest to watch it. Being at home with her all day and trying to accomplish something that needed most of my attention was going to be difficult, but not having the TV to rely on gave me that much more motivation to find ways to include Stella in most of the things I was doing, and also gave her a chance to find some quiet time to play independently. As a way to show her how things like TV can be used in moderation, we made Friday Movie Night, a new family tradition where we finish dinner, bake something yummy, and snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie together. At first it was a way to give her something enjoyable in moderation, but now it's something we all seriously love and look forward to all week!
Another great thing that I love about being a parent is the realization that children imitate your behavior more than they listen to what you say. Think back to how often you've heard your parents say to you: "How many times have I told you to (insert chore here)?" and you might remember how much easier it was to mimic what you saw, not follow what you heard. Raising Stella to be a compassionate, loving, and kind person is more important to me than anything else. I try to make sure that when I speak, it's with kindness and when I act, it's for someone's benefit. I don't just tell her to be kind & compassionate, I show her how as much as I'm capable by involving her in showing kindness (like donating our clothes, toys & books, or giving the men who haul our trash bottles of water, holding the door for people, etc.)
These four things are all preemptive, conscious decisions we've made to prevent misbehavior, but that doesn't mean she doesn't sometimes misbehave. Stella is a pretty laid back kid so I haven't really needed to severely discipline her (no drawing on walls or breaking anything intentionally), but whenever her tone is inappropriate or she says something disrespectful, we handle it immediately with a calm, clear tone. If she disobeys a rule, we remind her why the rule exists in the first place so that she understands the reason for it, rather than simply fear punishment. Children who are spanked might obey rules, but it doesn't necessarily mean they understand the reason for it. And if a child's motivation to follow rules is fear rather than understanding, what happens when the threat of punishment isn't there anymore and there's no understanding of rules. I'd rather Stella understand the reason for certain rules and respect me rather than fear me and any hurt I might inflict on her if she gets caught doing something she isn't supposed to be doing. Also recognizing how absolutely defenseless and harmless she is makes me cringe thinking of raising my hand to hurt someone I love so much who couldn't stop me or defend herself. If I want her to respect other people, regardless of who they are or what they do, why would I essentially teach her that's it's ok to hurt someone smaller than myself when I'm not getting what I want out of them? Why should I teach her that it's unacceptable to put her hands on another person, and then hit her out of frustration or discipline? With how confusing it is to me I wonder how insanely baffling it would be for a 3 year old to figure that one out.
I feel like I almost always need to preface and end anything I say with a disclaimer, so here goes: I am not in control of how you infer what I say. I can tell you I have no intent to offend or hurt and I do not believe I am infallible or perfect (as a human, a fiancee, a mom, or any of the roles I play in life), and I'm very aware of my flaws & imperfections. I do my best every day and I try harder than the day before to just do the right thing. I don't believe anyone who disagrees with me or differs in the way they live their lives to be bad people or parents, we just disagree, and that's fine. But I do know that I changed the way I feel about a lot of things through other people sharing how they feel about certain issues and the choices they make. The only way to grow and evolve is sharing, learning & trying, and that's all I'm attempting to do with this. I hope no one, if anyone made it to this point, was offended or hurt, and if you were I do apologize. But hopefully that isn't the case :]
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