Primal Instincts and Why Men Irritate Me

There was a time when the entire human species' survival depended on a man's high libido, and a woman's ability to disregard the horny neanderthal's hairy palms and take one for Team Human.

Thousands of years, advances in technology, and several leaps in evolution later, not much seems to have changed emotionally for our neanderthal counterparts. Walk into any bar with a form-fitting pair of jeans slicked on and you could squeegie the drool off the floor by the time you order your first drink. Men most often mistake this behavior for flattery. In case you are that man, please allow me to enlighten you: your wink and sleazy, persuasive, sorry excuse for a pick up line remind me only of two things...you have the emotional maturity of my toddler and the idea that my vagina possesses some sort of other worldly control over your decisions saddens & disappoints me.

Hold on. This is to be taken with a grain of salt; not every dude is a completely unevolved, horny douche bag and I don't pretend to believe I'm god's gift to any and all dudes. But, having a vagina does grant me a certain level of persuasion. Moving on...

We as women have recognized that we no longer need to take any for team human. In fact, we have sacrificed and done so long enough that the populace is now so out of control that things like AIDS, cancer, & Mcdonalds are left to run rampant to keep our numbers in check. Please don't allow yourself to believe that this were any feat of your own as I would gladly challenge any man to prove to me how his carelessness of what and who his penis is involved with somehow upstages woman's ability to look past your huge furry forehead and nubby thumbs, all in the name of preserving our race. Thankfully our sacrifice has proven to be worth the struggle, though, because we can now sit back and have our choice of which slightly less hairy neanderthal is for us. Being selective in who we partner with is an emotional process (for most of us. for those girls reading this with not a hint of wtf i'm talking about, you should consider sterilization.) So why then can't a man hit some glitch in evolution and govern less decisions with his penis?

We all know this is true, nothing I'm saying is really opinion-based and the only thing that's debatable is how much of that neanderthal you have left in you. Sure, you got your blackberry and your 55" flatscreen but is there anything really different about you genetically than your ancient ancestors? I can't even count how many male friends of mine who have scraped pretty far into the barrel when it comes to their sex lives. And for years, the contorted, disturbed expression on my face and the abrupt "what in the FUCK were you thinking?" response was met with "uuughhgh, well, i dunno. she was there." ...Seriously? And sometimes, in particularly extreme cases when less than quality girls are involved, your fucking HEALTH is dependent on a decision between whether sexual gratification is more important than your penis being on fire for 3-6 weeks before the antibiotic kicks in.

Now, I'm not wearing a chastity belt and I don't leave my clothes on when my boyfriend and I are having sex. I have no pent-up, weird shit in my history...my parents weren't that catholic. So I hope that when I say this, I'm not interpreted as a militant feminist who's uncomfortable with sexuality. I love sex and everything about it just like any other joe. But I do have a few qualms with how insanely easy it is for a man to be sucked into vagina-mind-control. Or, as the dude from 40-year old virgin so eloquently put it, don't put the pussy up on a pedestal.

After a friend of mine was horrendously cheated on, I started realizing how commonplace infidelity had become. Granted, these aren't long-term marriages where pre-nups are involved, but I'd like to think that anyone making a said committment to another human being would at least have the decency of being honest, regardless of the degree of seriousness in the relationship. I won't pretend that my gender makes me impervious to the good looks of guys who aren't my boyfriend. I can certainly appreciate a handsome face and body, but that's where it stops. Appreciate it for what it is and WALK. THE. FUCK. AWAY. I'm also not saying that all women are pure and guiltless. But in the cases that I've heard, it seems that women who cheat are more likely to at least tell their spouses about their infidelity, while men rather keep that shit in the dark, or even worse, keep it going.

I was raised by two psychotic people who were insanely in love. They did everything to the extreme, but because of that me and my brother got to witness what it is to love so passionately that it drives you nuts. They had their faults in their marriage, but infidelity was never one of them. It doesn't exist in my family and for that reason it's even stranger to me that some people can be so casual about it doing it, lying about it, bragging about it, etc.

There isn't a cure for a man's labido. Quite the contrary, there are drugs that can resurrect your zombie hard-on when it should be dead and fucking buried. That to me is chaos.