Decoding my brain.

Everything you perceive is through your own bias; true objectivity is as impossible as licking your own elbow. Every relationship you've had, every place you've been, everything you've seen and how you respond to & feel about it is a direct reflection of your own self. "Reality" to you is nothing more than your own projection.

With that in mind, coupled with knowing to what extent my insanity reaches, I'm not sure I know anything anymore. Finding that melodic balance between having total control and being a doormat is tricky, and at 24 I'm only beginning to realize that I've swayed too far to either extreme never being at all close to the middle. Allowing the good opinion of others to influence & manipulate how you view yourself and everything around you might be detrimental because you run the risk of losing yourself completely. But, and I know this all too well from first-hand experience, not taking anyone's opinions, feelings, or perspective into consideration and clutching that "i truly don't give a fuck" mantra til they pry it out of your cold, dead, lonely hands is what will be the death of me.

Albeit admirable having that kind of passion (or, stubbornness as those less fond of the trait would like to refer to it as), it's also stifling. Refusing to give, to compromise, to admit that your way may not always be the best leaves absolutely no room to evolve. There's something respectable about the statement "This is who I am," which might give the impression of self-awareness. But could it lead to a refusal of willingness to change when change is the healthy choice.

In my mind, every situation I encounter can be viewed in black and white. There is right & wrong, healthy & unhealthy, fair & unfair. My mistake most often (aside from viewing things in that way) is neglecting to remember that the extremes in my head may not be applicable in another's, which brings me back to bias & it's affect on personal perspective. My genetic predisposition, my upbringing & environment, my choices and the consequences I've either enjoyed or suffered from them all have shaped my perspective on the labels I place on things, people & their actions. While the situation was shared, our roles and the parts we played were slightly different. For that reason, and with bias in mind, I shouldn't expect anyone, not even the closest human being to me on the planet, to share the same standards and make the same decisions.

Trying to see the perspective of someone outside of your brain can be hard, especially for me. But trying to see the perspective of someone who wasn't supposed to hurt you, wasn't supposed to make decisions without good judgment (or any judgment, for that matter), wasn't supposed to put you in the position of having to sympathize with a very fucked up choice is excruciating. It takes compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, and a period of time lengthy enough to decide whether your perspective has been clouded too much, or not open enough.

Find the balance, decide for yourself, stick to your guns. Not to be taken out of order.